


Daddy Issues

by Viscariafields



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Silly, basically a shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 11:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18445433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viscariafields/pseuds/Viscariafields
Summary: Long after the party on the citadel should have ended, Liara, Garrus, and Tali wonder what Shepard sees in Kaidan. James has a theory.





	Daddy Issues

The three aliens sat at the counter, nursing their beverages and pretending they weren’t watching. Well, Tali’s helmet afforded her the luxury of gawping as much as she wanted. And for the first time she wanted to gawp at Kaidan Alenko. After a night of drinking, dancing, laughing, and more drinking, Commander Shepard had let her guard down and had draped herself over the major, and he was grinning like an idiot. Which, according to Garrus, he probably was.

They all _knew_ the two of them had something going on. But they had never seen anything more than lingering glances, shared inside jokes, an obvious familiarity. It was easy to think that maybe there wasn’t anything there. Maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe the commander’s heart wasn’t taken.

And now they couldn’t turn away as Kaidan whispered something in her ear, his arms around her waist. Her laughter as she threw her head back. The way she _looked_ at him. As Shepard grabbed his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss, Liara let out an audible groan.

Garrus kept breaking the silence at the bar, critiquing features of human anatomy as if to convince himself he wasn’t _very_ interested in a particular human’s anatomy. “Do they even have toes? What are their shoes hiding? They can’t possibly have five… that would be… absurd.”

Tali nodded. She had wondered about this before. Their ridiculous footwear was hiding something. Liara just put her head in her hand.

“And what do humans even do together? They’re so… so… _soft_. How would you even get a good grip? How does that even work?”

“I know what they do together,” Tali giggled, “I’ve been watching their romaaaaantic movies.”

“Those are _not_ romance movies,” Liara corrected her. “You’ve been watching pornography.”

“What?”

“Those movies are hard core human pornography.”

Tali tapped the rim of her glass. “And how would you know unless you watched them, too?”

Liara blushed furiously into her drink.

“I can give you a recommendation,” Tali said, elbowing Garrus.

“No.” Shepard laughed again as Kaidan’s hand traveled down to her ass. Garrus sighed. “Maybe later.”

They fell into silence.

“What does she even see in him?”

“Maybe it’s the hair,” Liara sighed.

“I could… I could shoot each hair off his head,” Garrus muttered, taking aim with a finger.

James laid a heavy hand on Garrus’s shoulder. “Nah, you all got it wrong. It’s because he doesn’t have any daddy issues.”

“What?”

“Yeah, this whole crew? Massive daddy issues.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh come on, Liara. I met your dad. Big rack, half Krogan? You can’t tell me you don’t have issues with her.”

“I do _not_ have—”

“And Tali? Gonna deny having daddy issues?”

“Nope.”

“Who else was on Normandy 1… Wrex? He killed his dad.”

From across the room, Wrex stirred from his snoring. “What? Who told you that?”

James started ticking off people with his fingers. “Then there’s Normandy 2. Miranda—daddy issues. Jacob?”

“Leave me out of this.”

“Some fucked up daddy issues. I read that report. And you just have to _look_ at Jack—”

“I don’t even have a fucking dad, asshole.”

“Yep. Daddy issues.”

“Thane was the daddy of his issues,” Tali said, nodding somberly.

“There we go. Same with Samara. And from what I hear, Mordin, who had no paternity issues, turned Shepard down. And we all know she _is_ Grunt’s dad, so that was out of the question.”

“What about me?” Garrus groaned, “I patched things up with my dad. We’re… we’re good now.”

James gently squeezed the Turian’s shoulder. “I know, bud. And if she hadn’t already been in Kaidan’s well-adjusted bed by the time you did, you might have had a shot.”   

Garrus dropped his face into his hands.

“And what about you, James?”

“What, me? Come on, Liara. You _know_ I have hella daddy issues. Don’t even go there.”

She snorted.

They all turned their heads as Kaidan and Shepard started climbing the stairs to her room. The door to the bedroom shut, and everyone let out a long breath.

“Are these ‘daddy issues’ the reason that Shepard calls Kaidan ‘daddy’ when they are alone?” EDI asked.

James choked on his drink, requiring his back to be rubbed as he struggled for air.

“I think maybe it’s time we all went to bed,” Liara said, “And never spoke about any of this ever again.”

There were murmurs of agreement as everyone shuffled off to find a relatively soft surface to collapse on. Liara had just closed her eyes when Tali was shaking her awake.

“Do you want to watch a video with me?” she whispered.

“ _No_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I actually really hate the term 'daddy issues,' but it's like I could just hear James in my head. And the mechanics of the game meaning everyone acts like they are just a little bit in love with Shepard...


End file.
